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Joke of the Day

"Wind chimes. Something I've never purchased. Can't see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what'd be nice? Noise."

"7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, ""Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft."""

"Q: What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college? A: Coagulations!"

"A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, ""Can I touch it?"".... He answers, ""No way -- you already broke yours off!"""

"What do vampires call menstrual cups? Shot glasses."

"Yesterday one of my patients told me about the time he sat on his testicles... It was nuts."

"Leonardo DiCaprio set to play a Long John Silver in his next role. Having previous experience with spending most of his years searching for gold."

"I'm going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep"

"I tried a beer this weekend brewed with rabbit... It was a bit too hoppy for my taste."

"SpaceX announced today that they are removing the astronaut janitor position from their first manned flight to Mars There just isn't enough room in the ship for a vacuum cleaner."