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Joke of the Day

"Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line. Me: That's because I haven't had a land line in 7 years, Ma."

"*does something weird* *looks around for witnesses* *sees no one* *does something weird, LOUDER*"

"You lost me at ""my psychic said.."""

"Tonight we're gonna party like its 1999. No seriously, Greg's been in a coma for 14 years. We'll tell him that shit tomorrow night though."

"Just had a vegetarian meal with a nonalcoholic beverage at a restaurant whose produce are 80% locally grown. Feeling pretty smug."

"How do chemists poison each other? With a Pb & J sandwich"

"*puts seashell up to ear* Me: I think I can hear the ocea- Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days. Me: (to friend) It's for you."

"After 12 years in prison ..... After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, ""Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"""

"Today I learned the Nazis were instrumental in the creation of Tang and other powdered fruit drinks But it didn't get far since Hitler hated the juice."

"My Girlfriend & her Ex... My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex . . . . . So I dumped her."