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Joke of the Day

"Why couldn't the headless horseman win the race? He couldn't get a head."

"Not liking me will always be your problem. Never mine."

"People come up to me all the time in the street and they say to me, they say, ""Joe, what's the difference between Hag Shavuot and Hag Ha-Katzir?"" And I say to them, I say, ""Oh, about fifty bucks."""

"Why are hurricane names female because they are destructive until you go inssiiiddee.... came up with this while i was on the water"

"I'm not saying I've gained weight, I'm just saying I don't think my belt buckle should be facing the ground..."

"My girlfriend wanted to use a protractor during sex... but I told her graphing paper is where I draw the line."

"I asked my trainer ""Which machine at the gym should I use to impress beautiful women?"" He pointed outside and said ""The ATM machine"" [ c/o /u/jubileo5 ]"

"Why were the camels wearing sandals? To stop themselves sinking into the sand. Why did the ostrich stick its head in the sand? To look at the camels who forgot to put their sandals on."

"Condoms are all reusable. you just gotta shake the fuck out of them first."

"Every year on Valentine's Day, I put a smile on my wife's face by taking down the Christmas tree."