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Joke of the Day

"They should have never given you girls fake eyelashes. This chick just blinked and it sounded like a flock of pigeons took off."

"Jesus loves you. These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison."

"Hate it when a banana has bruises on it but the banana says it fell down the stairs & you just know it's lyin' to protect an asshole banana"

"I can't get out of bed These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust."

"What's the difference between a new anal plug and a used one? The taste."

"What do you get if you cross an insect and a dance ? A cricket ball !"

"Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help"

"Do you have something against black people?!?!!? Yes, an alarm system."

"I've watched three episodes of ""I Shouldn't Be Alive"" tonight, adding ""outdoor enthusiast and survival expert"" to my online dating profile."

"At this point you can get more Gas for your $5 bill at a Taco Bell than you can at a Shell Station"