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Joke of the Day

"I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!"

"I keep my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. Easy! It's right next to the sage."

"Immigrants... David Cameron has said that hes going to put a cap on immigrants entering the country. I think its terrible, they should be able to wear what they want."

"new instagram notification - Girl Who Actually Secretly Hates You Commented 'omg literally why are u so perfect'' On Your Photo!"

"Why did the Portuguese guy take Xanax? Hispanic attacks."

"It's pretty amazing that I'm able to balance my two kids, my career as a doctor, and my pathological lying!!"

"Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you're up. Million dollar idea."

"Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis. Contestant: What is love? *dance party erupts*"

"Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge? 5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff..."

"Why was the fisherman wealthy and prosperous? Because he was a master-baiter."