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Joke of the Day

"Hey, did you hear that Carbon and Oxygen broke up? Yeah, it turns out their relationship was actually pretty toxic. Personally, I never saw it."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too."

"Why are there fences around a graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!"

"Are you ever going to use those Styrofoam plates? No, they're not biodegradable. Well throw them away then!"

"""Don't touch the floor. The floor is the lava"" Pompeii, 79 AD"

"Praying is a lot like masturbation. It feels good to the person doing it but does nothing for the person being thought about."

"A restaurant patron complained about the limited dessert selection, and an Irish man turned his head to respond. What was the complaint? **Flan AGAIN?!**"

"Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day... Light a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

"How does an octopus go to war? Well-Armed"