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Joke of the Day
"having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house"
Next Joke
"What do you call a kid with an eye patch, braces and a lisp? Names"
"New Thesaurus I bought a new thesaurus, it's terrible. It's also terrible."
"Sloth 911: What's your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I'VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON'T MOVE! We'll be there in a month"
"What is your favorite dumb joke? here's mine :) Whats the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? ....his ass.... :P"
"Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated."
"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD"
"Me: What do you want to be when you grow up? 3-year-old: A monster truck. I don't think insurance is going to cover that surgery."
"Today is my birthday... and I'm Jewish."
"Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said ""concentrate""! "