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Joke of the Day

"I sprayed Taylor Swift's new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby's."

"X is An Independent Variable That don't need no Y."

"Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter."

"Hillary Clinton has been frequenting a new restaurant, reports say. I guess the main appeal of it is her own private server."

"Me: Good night, moon. [30 mins later] Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren't you reading my messages?"

"If bank website ads have taught me anything it's that white people love drinking coffee as they pay bills online in an empty loft apartment."

"What do you call a cold hotdog? A cold-dog"

"I think I just caught the Zika virus... I met a Brazilian girl and she gave me a little head."

"*For Harry Potter fans* What language do UPS men at Hogwarts speak? Parcel-tongue"

"I love Halloween... It's the only time of the year that I can lure young children in with candy without using my van."