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Joke of the Day

"Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer."

"How many vegetables should you pull out of the ground in one day? None"

"[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human"

"What's the best thing about being a meth addict? Only four more sleeps 'til Christmas!"

"My Brother had to give up Tap Dancing recently. He kept falling into the sink!"

"mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet mom: (._. ) me: I'm just kidding call the cops"

"Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday. Never seen a man cry like that before."

"The Mrs recognizes my ""tell"" when I've seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud ""A-OOGA"" noise."

"Serious question... Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?"

"A man walked into a musical cheese store and was greeted with the words: ""Hello? Is it Brie you're looking for?"""