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Joke of the Day

"An eskimo pulls up to an intersection... with a flat tire. A Welsh guy pulls up next to him and says: ""Hey, I think you've blown a seal!"" To which the eskimo replies: ""So what? You shag sheep."""

"I used to do drugs... i still do, but i also used to."

"What do men and women have in common? They both distrust men."

"Aw look he's about to say his first words! ""Say dada!"" *baby opens mouth* Here it comes! *airhorn noise*"

"[making small talk at a business function] ""You're 35 aren't you?"" ""No, I'm 38"" ""Oh right"" [long silence] ""Did you used to be 35?"""

"Laugh at something on your phone and wait for me to ask what it is. See your grandchildren grow old. Witness the death of the sun."

"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory! I only took a day off!"

"Algebra must have trouble letting go of past relationships... ...it always wants people to find it's x."

"me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up"

"I think the little ledges in front of windows are silly."