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Joke of the Day

"Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, ""A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"" The other monster replied, ""Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."""

"Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it's way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens"

"So, I hear they're naming a new paint after you! It's called Whore Red. Not very Bright, but it's cheap and spreads really easily!!!"

"FRIEND: Do you want to go [i don't hear the rest because i'm already sighing too loudly]"

"What do you call a scary pterodactyl A terroradactyl"

"I asked God for a bike... ... but then realized that is not how God works. So I stole some kid's bike and asked God for forgiveness."

"I always choose a political party with good snacks. Wait, that's how I choose a house party. And it's a dumb way to choose a house party."

"If the automated voice tells me they're experiencing ""higher than normal call volume"" every time I call, that is the normal call volume."

"Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target."

"Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing."