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Joke of the Day

"how can you tell..... how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? when she sits on your face you can no longer hear the background music"

"My wife texted me at lunch ""Window's frozen"" ""Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel"" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. ""We need a new computer now""."

"What's a feminist's favorite math class? Triggernometry."

"PILOT: if you look out the window you'll see we're cruising at 35,000 feet [i look out the window] [THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]"

"Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien."

"Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane."

"The worst part about being introduced to new people is the panic moment where I think ""Pay attention! Pay attention!!!"" and miss their name."

"Girl, is your dad Louis Vuitton? Because you have such big bags under your eyes. Wait am I doing this right"

"What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye."

"There's a gang going through our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order ... The police believe they're still at large."