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Joke of the Day

"What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time *door closes on way out*"

"What does a gun, a fire extinguisher, and a condom have in common? Its better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it"

"I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her."

"Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas."

"When I was asked what my five year plan is I responded... I couldn't tell you, I only have 2020 vision. pm me if you want my address to come murder me in my sleep for this."

"i microwaved an apple to see what would happen but nothing happend and now i just have a really warm apple i don't know what i was expecting"

"What do you call a bee in a space rocket? bracket"

"So I told my friend a joke about embroidery the other day... and the punchline had him in stitches!"

"Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony."

"""Give it to me!"" she yelled ""Give it to me!"" She yelled. ""I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now!"" She could scream all she wanted. I was keeping the umbrella."