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Joke of the Day

"What do Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music and Keith Richards have in common? They both made habits fashionable."

"I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly."

"What's the difference between Det. Rust Cohle and a psychopath? Psychopaths are fun at parties."

"Kobe was one of the best Lakers players of all time But Magic Johnson was definitely the most positive."

"Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon."

"A man says to his son: ""Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe""?"" ""You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"" ""Not this time, your dog died."""

"I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can't get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut."

"Why did the woman miss the spaghetti train? Because it went straight pasta!"

"Why was the chicken afraid to cross the road? Because it's a chicken."

"An asshole What do you call someone that puts the punchline in the title?"