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Joke of the Day

"why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway"

"I am going to be arrested today! Because I will be snowden!"

"What brand of underwear do zombies wear? Haaaaaannnnnneeeeeessssss"

"My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk."

"Why did the soldier salute the occupied restroom? There was a loo tenant inside."

"Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat's paw] Ignore himhe'll never understand love."

"When I find something in my purse on the first reach-in I feel like I should get some applause or something."

"What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak."

"What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a girl. The knife has a point"

"A woman astronaut.. A woman astronaut calls her base: -Houston we have a problem. -What is it? -Nothing..."