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Joke of the Day

"Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn't, it'd be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me."

"My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette. Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag."

"How does Samsung know its most loyal customers? They check with the burn ward. (I'll get my coat)"

"My sex life ."

"My wife asked me why I was walking around the house with a gun I responded, ""Because of those fucking decepticons!"" I laughed. She laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."

"When my date told me he was a 'culinary genius', I replied, 'Then this Brazilian won't go to waste!', and winked. Now we wait."

"I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world I told them to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving."

"Don't trust the atoms... They make up everything."

"What Type of Fruit Wants to Run Away and Get Married but Isn't Able to? Cantelope."

"Why couldn't the life guard save the drowning hippie? Because he was too far out man."