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Joke of the Day
"Another Tom Swifty ""I have only diamonds, clubs, and spades,"" said Tom heartlessly."
Next Joke
"it would be pretty badass if people never stopped growing and old people were like 30 feet tall. anyway thanks for coming to my TED talk"
"Her: I like your facial hair Me: I like YOUR facial hair (FLIRTING IS HARD)"
"Why I hate 9/11..... I hate 9/11 because my cousins died doing their favorite thing... Flying Planes."
"Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either."
"Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?"
"The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don't care if you get the last iPad Mini."
"Referring to one's self in the third person is really obnoxious, but you refer to yourself in the second person and it confuses everyone. It's probably why you have no friends."
"If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed."
"Why doesn't Trump want to release his tax returns? HUUUUUGE write offs for plastic bed sheets."