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Joke of the Day

"Referring to one's self in the third person is really obnoxious, but you refer to yourself in the second person and it confuses everyone. It's probably why you have no friends."

"You can tell a lot about a woman by how she slices brownies. For example: if she throws the knife at you, you should pick up some midol."

"What do you call Albert Einstein giving a handjob? A stroke of genius."

"If you can't concentrate, rub your nipples. It won't help, but concentration is overrated anyway. You know who likes concentration? Nazis."

"I used to perform circumcisions for a living. I got tons of tips."

"What do you call a disease that only effects ducks? A mallard-y"

"You know what they said about the year old sheep that kept getting into trouble... ...he was a mutton for punishment."

"A man's girlfriend shaves her pussy in the shower. His girlfriend says ""Hey babe, I shaved my pussy...you know what that means?"" The man replies ""Yeah, the fucking drain is clogged again."""

"How many babies does it take to paint a wall? It depends how hard you throw them."

"My voicemail message is just me sighing for 20 minutes."