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Joke of the Day

"""This tweet isn't funny yet. Welp, better remove all the commas and capital letters! Ah, PERFECTION!"" --me"

"School Joke Principal: ""I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all of your teachers. What have you been doing?"" Johnny: ""Nothing, sir."" Principal: ""Exactly!"""

"I cheated on my girlfriend once We were playing monopoly and while she wasn't looking I took some of her money. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister."

"Dog: I'm a man's best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me. Pussycat: Yeah, you're not gonna win this one."

"A large amount of stormtroopers walk into a bar and orders drinks They all miss the free shots."

"What's better than four roses on a piano? Tulips on an organ"

"What did the egg say to the boiling water? ""I don't think I can get hard -- I just got laid this morning!"

"Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn't realize was there. Now you can say you've seen me dance."

"Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them."

"My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine."