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Joke of the Day

"Christmas Presents I told my girlfriend that every time we had sex I would add a dollar to how much i would spend on her christmas present, so far she's getting a McChicken."

"Why are pirates so mean? They just ARRRRRRRRRRR!!!"

"Involuntary Owl Knock knock. Who's there? Involuntary owl. Involuntary owl who?"

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"

"I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking ""What a cliche way for a fat person to die of"""

"This morning I called work and told them I came down sick with Anal Glaucoma. And I couldn't see my ass making it in to work today."

"Aside from dying withing the same week what else did Steve Irwin and Peter Brock have in common? Their last moments were spent in wild fishtails."

"What's Gordon Ramsey's second favorite movie? FROZE-- oh, nevermind."

"Sometimes I'm so pessimistic, I feel like a German vegetarian I'm always fearing the wurst"

"""Dad why do your penis look so different from mine?"" ""Because mine is hard."""