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Joke of the Day

"1st thing I do when I take a girl back to my bedroom is act like a stewardess & instruct her where exits are, oxygen masks, & life jackets."

"This guy came up to me and said he needed a glass of water but his pants were on fire so, he probably was lying about needing it."

"Why do you have to separate red shirts when you put them into the laundry? Because red shirts die easily."

"Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story."

"My Years in a Lunatic Asylum by I. M. Nutty"

"""How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?"" ""It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it."""

"If ""Pretty Woman"" teaches us anything it's that prostitution is a lucrative, whimsical enterprise that every young woman should try."

"[job interview] Me: Time travel Boss: What is your biggest strenWHAT?!"

"If Twitter icons have taught me anything it's that the male eye can spot cleavage at incredibly low resolutions."

"*cashier stares at obviously fake ID* you sure you're 3? *dog panics and runs out of the store barking*"