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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between the bird flu and the the swine flu? For bird flu you need tweetment, for swine flu you need oinkment."

"Me: *falls off a ladder* Wife: OH MY GOD! ARE YOU INJURED? Me: *obviously concussed but also bleeding* I'm injured and outjured"

"Dog: [Barks at the mailman] Human: Bad dog. Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off."

"Did you hear about the tragedy in France? I was very confused reading headlines saying, ""Nice attack, 78 dead""."

"A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt."

"What do they call cunnilingis in India? A punjob."

"I wish life had a rewindthe-weekend button."

"You're either a dog person or a non person."

"*bursts into starbucks* Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET Barista: yeah over there Me: oh thank god *plugs in a mechanical bull*"

"There's a new TV show on AMC about people who run away from grains and wheat. I hear they call it The Walking Bread."