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Joke of the Day

"I was ecstatic to have an out-of-body experience... ...in fact, I was beside myself."

"*puts baby marshmallows on a porcupine* There you go little guy. Now you're bouncy."

"How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb ? Apparently not four as my basement is still dark"

"What kind of money do polar bears use ? Ice lolly !"

"I bought a new book today called ""How to end your pet's life with dignity"" Even after I'd read it, I just couldn't put it down."

"Doctor Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache."

"Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots."

"Obama ran around the whitehouse with Biden. Their total time was 9:48. When they had finished Biden said ""Hey Barack, did we beat the record?"" Out of breath Obama said ""No, Bush did 9:11"""

"I don't have a problem with man buns You used to have to talk to someone for 3 or 4 minutes to figure out if he's a fuckhead"

"Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel's so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel."