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Joke of the Day

"Excuse me, waiter. Is my order almost ready to Instagram?"

"I can control what you do next in life. Made you click."

"You guys are even more beautiful now that I'm wearing my ""wine glasses""."

"My first job... My first job out of college was a ""diesel fitter"" at a pantyhose factory... As they came off the line, I would hold them up and say, ""Yep, deez'll fit her!"""

"Filling out application for new health insurance. Do you guys think ""sick of everyone & everything"" is considered a pre-existing condition?"

"Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Me if I were the kidnapper: *is."

"All you people who chose ""The Real"" or ""Official"" before your Twitter handle really thought ahead of the game there. Well done, guys."

"After getting picked on by a few lads at college, my mum offered to go down and sort it out. Now they can't bully me for never having a blowjob any more."

"I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside."

"How did the Muslim find the goat in the field? Very Satisfying."