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Joke of the Day

"*wakes at 3am* *sits in dark* *jingles chains & scratches walls* *waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can't sleep & we open gifts*"

"A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's steering wheel shoved down his pants. The bartender says, ""hey pirate that's got to be hard to walk with."" Pirate says, ""aye, it be driving me nuts."""

"Joke's on you, jerk that sold me oregano instead of weed. I was going to make pizza sauce anyway."

"Was driving to work this morning and saw a pluming truck with the best slogan ever. Had to share... J&S Plumbing: Because sometimes a flush is better than a full house."

"[REQUEST] Coffee Puns My google searches led me to no great jokes, and I actually need them for a class. If you can give me some coffee puns, I'd be truly grateful. Please espresso feelings!"

"[gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- ""Yeah... Here it is"" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks"

"[first day of work as a 911 operator] ""Hello, 911"" Hi someone's trying to break into my house ""holy shit call 911"""

"what would Arnold Schwarzenegger say if he was a member of Al Qaeda? GET TO THE VIRGINS"

"I don't like rape jokes... they feel kinda forced."

"I need to thank the guy who honked while waiting for my parking spot for inspiring me to stay & write my memoirs in this Target parking lot."