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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend was really excited about squishing a spider.. I told her she was turning into a cold blooded killer.."

"What do you call somebody who pretends to play on a player piano? A Penis"

"The tabloids would have a field day if Billy Joel ever actually started a fire."

"Girl, do you watch football? Cuz I'll finger blast you harder than Jason Pierre Paul"

"Remember... You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your friends nose."

"Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college. I don't think I can ever repay you."

"There are 10 kinds of people in this world... ... Those who can count binary and those who can't."

"By and large, most of my girlfriends have been fat lesbians."

"A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can't find your phone."

"TIL: A second is called a second because it's not first."