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Joke of the Day

"My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats."

"*Do not consume if seal is broken* I've just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven't found one seal."

"Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day."

"What do you call a depressed clementine on a late night walk? A meanderin' orange."

"I saw that show locked up abroad. I expected to see more than just a women getting locked up. But that's all it was, that show is so literal."

"Today a cartoonist was found dead at home. Details are sketchy."

"I asked a pharmacist ""do you stock multicoloured tampons?"" ""Not since Brexit, they were made for brighter periods."""

"Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner."

"I don't have a Facebook or Twitter account... ...so I just go around announcing out loud what I'm doing at random times. I've got 3 followers so far, but I think 2 are cops."

"What did the math teacher tree say to the music teacher tree? Nice log rhythms"