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Joke of the Day

"I'm not a liar. I have an English degree; I'm an unreliable narrator."

"Is it racist that I only use chopsticks when eating Asian food? I'm never like, ""Time for pancakes! Where are my chopsticks?"""

"What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia? A puppy."

"My friend said he wanted to live in a hole I said gopher it"

"The wife said that a dwarf felt her tit the other day."

"Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the asshole for tripping him??"

"How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex"

"Human: your name is Flipper Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND"

"What does a man with a tiny penis have for breakfast? Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice."

"This girl just posted a status on Facebook which said:""F*CKING PHONE!!!!!!!!!"" Apparently, ""Can I watch?"" is not an appropriate reply."