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Joke of the Day

"I just stopped at a yellow light to give myself a few extra seconds to craft this tweet."

"Always have a fake name at the ready so you don't tell the cops something stupid, like ""Andrew Granola."""

"I want to throw a party with fake alcohol and see how many people act wasted."

"Did you hear about the Doctor who fell down the well? He was taking a break at work and leaned too far over a well and fell right in! Guess he should have tended to the sick and left the well alone."

"You were a still born baby.. Mother didn't want you but you were still born."

"Once I've repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret: I come from a long line of mumblers."

"You shouldn't commit any crimes after you marry someone. Why? Because you have a mother in law."

"HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes? GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea"

"What does a clever sentry on guard duty say when he wakes up to see his commanding officer standing over him? Amen"

"How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years."