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Joke of the Day

"Me: You'll always be my girl. Daughter: Even if I break stuff? Me: Depends on which stuff."

"Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic"

"I don't like when guys says stuff like ""i waited my whole life to meet this woman"". It's like no you didn't. You weren't a romantic toddler."

"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?"

"My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst... So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!"

"An actual quote by President George Bush ""The problem with the french is that they don't have a word for entrepreneurs"""

"APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: ""We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What's yours?"" ME: ""I write and want to dir--"" ""GUNSHOT*"

"GOD: look what I created [points to clouds] ANGEL: what am I lookin at? GOD: Is it a bunny? A man face? It's up to you! ANGEL: are you high?"

"What's the difference between sex and a corporation? In sex the person on top does most of the work"

"A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was ""yesss"" because I'm nosey."