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Joke of the Day

"[at restaurant] Me: ""I'm so hungry I could eat a horse"" Wife: ""I'm the same"" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*"

"Did you hear about the pillow factory that blew up last week? There was a big panic at first, but it's all settled down now."

"If there's a pistachio that's difficult to open, I'll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my god damn temper"

"Every time I'm at the dentist my doctor makes me feel like a bad Christian I'm Jewish."

"Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I've seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best."

"Women's deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine. Men's deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst."

"*robbers burst into bank* EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG *bank manager frowns* What's updog? WE'RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT'S UP WITH YOU"

"Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know."

"Prank Caller- Hello! is your refrigerator running?? Me- No, but the dishwasher is.. Prank Caller- Huh??? Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog..."

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like.. Bananas"