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Joke of the Day

"*cocks gun* Me: ""Go ahead."" Horse: ""Just be cool, man."" Me: ""DRINK."" Horse: ""No problem. It's just a stupid expression."""

"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? ""Breathe, dummy!"""

"[puts puppy in microwave] [googles instructions for making hotdogs] [quickly releases puppy from microwave]"

"To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?"

"Twitter should have "" Throwing tomato"" button."

"What's the worst part about dating a French horn player? Whenever you kiss, they shove their fist up your ass."

"What type of music do astronauts love? Neptunes!"

"Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you a flat minor"

"Why do pigs run from medicine? They hate getting cured."

"[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground] It doesn't say its specifically for babies, Karen"