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Joke of the Day

"Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32"

"If yesterday was May the Fourth be with you... I guess today is the revenge of the fifth"

"I once had a job circumcising elephants. The pay sucked, but the tips were big!"

"Strange trend at my office... People are naming food in the break room refrigerator. Today I ate a sandwich named ""Kevin""."

"'Always the bridesmaid, never the bride' is good advice for any best man."

"Mom: Fred there were two chocolate cakes in the larder yesterday and now there's only one. Why? Fred: I don't know. It must have been so dark I didn't see the other one."

"[shines flashlight under chin] In my day, kids ate gluten and rode bikes without helmets and OPEN LETTERS DIDN'T EXIST [children scream]"

"Is this your resume? ""Yep"" It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away ""Oh yes"" Welcome to UPS!"

"So a seal walks into a club. The end."