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Joke of the Day

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop."

"We now have tortilla chips shaped as functional shovels to minimize calories burned when scooping junk into our mouths. Your move, diabetes"

"What's the difference between a Baby Hobbit and Taco Bell? One throws shire fits, and the other gives you fire shits."

"I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do."

"I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I'm going to be too busy sitting on mine"

"I'd like to live in Abu Dhabi. There's nothing like the bright lights, ritzy real estate, and an occasional public beheading."

"I just yawned so loud, I think I called a boat in."

"My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to ""work her core."" I'm eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. I win."

"My superpower is to cross the road safely and get hit by a parked car."

"Was the summer of '69... Sounds like a great summer Bryan, what year was it?"