90972

Joke of the Day

"I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like ""Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles."""

"I took the shell off of my racing snail.... I thought it would make him go faster, but if anything it made him more sluggish."

"I let Jesus be my co-pilot once. Terrible decision, really. I was all, ""Drive, Jesus! Drive!"" And he was like, ""No hablo ingles, senor!"""

"Why do grandparents have so many clocks? So they won't run out of time"

"My girlfriend accused me of cheating She sure is starting to sound like my wife"

"What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window. Too soon?"

"[on a plane] Stewardess: ""Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff"" Me: ""Sure, can I have two?"" *puts one in each ear*"

"What do you call a sleeping police officer? An undercover cop."

"What do you call a soldier who survives Mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran."

"The average person eats 8 spiders a year *eating 2nd bowl of spiders* ""WHO'S AVERAGE NOW DAD?"""