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Joke of the Day

"What would happen if all of the mass in the universe turned into energy? The universe would be light."

"Her: Why's the couch smell like pee? [Flashback to me watching The Ring alone] Me: *points at son* I think someone had another ""accident."""

"What do you call a bitchy oak? A country"

"Is this your 1st video conference call? *Takes HUGE bong rip* *Holding it in* umm no So you're aware we can see you? *Cough* what *cough*"

"How do you top a car? You tep on the brake, tupid!"

"A sandwich walks into a bar And orders a drink. The bartender says : ""sorry sir, we don't serve food""."

"Hey, did you hear about the road paver who got fired? He couldn't even."

"When would a discount be a bad thing? Have 3 abortions and get the fourth free."

"John McAfee's doing paper work to become president... Time for America to become bloated and slow..."

"Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon"