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Joke of the Day

"Dad: Remember when I told you Santa wasnt real Me: Yea Dad: There's one more thing Me: Don't say it Dad: Retirement Me: *sobs uncontrollably"

"[text from friend) Her: You doing okay? Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?"

"Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money."

"I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world I told them to fuck off. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving."

"""Bill, I'm beginning to think my wife might be cheating on me..."" ""What makes you say that, Tim?"" ""Well, you're standing naked in my closet..."""

"Why did yo girl cross the road? (Joke from one of my 5th graders) Cause she saw me. Another: Why did the chicken cross the road? Cause he saw some chicks."

"In hell, your socks are always wet"

"What do you call knocked up tomato sauce Prego"

"Black holes suck. Think about it."

"Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower."