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Joke of the Day

"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish."

"""Creepy DM: I want to shave your legs. Me: Ew"" On reflection this would have been a real time saver. If you're reading this, call me?"

"Isn't it nice that soon Justin Bieber will go through puberty, Twilight will end, & Mr.Potter's gone? Everything's going to be normal again"

"Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that's going to treat it with the respect it deserves."

"I switched my kids to almond milk. Whenever people ask me if I think it's healthier I tell them ""Nah, I just got tired of them asking why their picture is on the back of the milk cartons."""

"I once asked my mom about the time I was conceived... ...she replied:"" Son, you were simply a blowjob gone awry."""

"Did you hear the one about the two deaf guys? What?"

"""Give it to me"", she screamed ""I'm so fucking wet, give it to me now"" ""Fuck off"", I said ""this is my umbrella"""

"Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister: Have you ever seen a dead body? *casually lifts shirt to expose .357*"

"I like my women like a like my coffee... With absolutely no pubic hair."