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Joke of the Day

"It's funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he's a Muslim or something."

"Why is Santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year."

"What do you call a fake noodle?... An Impasta!"

"The three unwritten rules of life 1. 2. 3."

"I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie."

"The whole ""Pavlov's Dog Experiment"" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up... ...at this point just *hearing* the name ""Pavlov"" makes me mad."

"[at daycare] Me: I'm here to pick up my son Daycare: what's he look like? Me: *points to my face* D: oh. Ok"

"Lush is kinda like cocaine. Its all lined up on the tables and you spend your entire time using your nose."

"Think you know guilt? *takes long drag on cigarette* I'm the wildebeest who killed Mufasa. *exhales* I hear Simba's screams every night."

"What's harder than getting a pregnant elephant into a Volkswagen? Getting an elephant pregnant in a Volkswagen."