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Joke of the Day

"I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot."

"I'm having a lot of difficulty with knitting Oops, wrong thread."

"What is the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my cock down your throat."

"95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics."

"How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards? Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade."

"Is your refrigerator running? Because if your fridge is moving on its own volition you have bigger fucking problems than the goddamn election"

"As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable."

"Three hunters come across some tracks in the middle of the woods... The first hunter says its wolf tracks the second says its bear tracks the third was hit by a trian"

"My girlfriend came out of the shower and said ""I shaved down there, you know what that means?"" I said, ""Yeah the f*cking drain is clogged again."""

"how many corrections officers does it take to throw an inmate down the stairs? none he fell"