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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? A washing machine doesn't follow you around stalking you after you toss a load in it."

"""murder"" she wrote ""your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter"" the screen said ""murd3R"" she wrote, frowning"

"When a cop tells you to ""spread 'em"" he is not flirting. I know this now."

"Did you hear George R R Martin committed suicide? Yeah. I saw it coming too."

"I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like ""Carl dropped your pizza"" & ""5 second rule"" are a bit much."

"I'd like to think that when pedophiles hang out one of them always asks to see the kids menu and they all have a good hearty laugh"

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Brook ! Brook who ? Brook-lyn bridge !"

"wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree? me [bleeding] Wasn't a cat"

"TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket? ME: You shut your mouth TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it"

"My girlfriend asked if she would be able to make a living by being a stripper... I told her it was probably a bit too risque."