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Joke of the Day

"What's the difference between KFC and China? At KFC, you can only get breasts, legs, and thighs."

"WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea"

"[alarm clock goes off] ok it's happening again it's a day and it's here again *googling* day again why how to unsubscribe days"

"Say ""beer can"" in a British accent. You just said ""bacon"" in a Jamaican accent."

"Go ahead, post and claim my tweets as your own. Maybe later, if you like, I'll come satisfy your woman and you can take credit for that too."

"If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it's because they've just killed someone right?"

"How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb? *Nein*"

"Tonight the 3-year-old asked: ""How did God make Himself?"" I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime."

"So, a man walks into a bar... and he gets a bruise on his head. (Yes, I know its a bad joke.)"

"Why did the vampire pull out? He needed permission to come inside."