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Joke of the Day
"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand metaphors? Because they take everything, literally."
Next Joke
"Every night Owen Wilson secretly prays tomorrow will be the day his son breaks his nose for the first time."
"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast."
"Me: Can I please sleep? Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again. Me: But I hate that song! Brain: I don't give a shit! Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5..."
"My mom is the queen of cheesy jokes and her favorite: "" what do you call a deer with no eyes?"" "" no idear"""
"RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they're unreal you want some?"
"Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd."
"delete cookies? WHY ON EARTH WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?! I LOVE COOKIES."
"Why can't you run in a camp ground? You can only 'ran'; it's past tents."
"In bed my wife calls my Jimmy John's. I cum freaky fast."