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Joke of the Day

"TIFU by getting fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off."

"What does Sean Spicer call emails? Alternative fax."

"ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: ""Holy shit that was amazing!"" COMMENTATOR: ""Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself."""

"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far-out."

"Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops"

"I hate it when I'm brushing my teeth and Kiefer Sutherland climbs out of the toilet just to ask me if he can bum a cigarette."

"What are eight small pieces of cookie the equivalent of? One byte"

"To the guy that invented the number zero Thanks for nothing."

"GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge? ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people"

"[NSFW] A guy accidentally took sleeping pills instead of Viagra... he couldn't get up."