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Joke of the Day

"Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful."

"My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, ""I wanna watch."""

"{At funeral} *holding widows hand* I'm sorry for your loss. He had so much updog ""What's updog?"" *pats her hand* Not much what's up with you"

"What's the difference between Davey Crockett and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians."

"I got caught masturbating by the fedex guy I shouldn't have answered the door, but you gotta sign for that shit or wait til he comes again."

"I casually mentioned to my cat that I've petted many animals in my time, and she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ""How many?"""

"What do you call a bolshevik in a hurry? A rushin' russian."

"A ""clear memory"" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a ""delete cookies"" button, but for my thighs."

"Doctors don't charge for circumcisions, they just take tips."

"Hey smoke detectors, feel free to use that last bit of battery life to continue monitoring fires instead of getting all beepy."