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Joke of the Day

"""Daaaaaaaaaaaad, what should I do with this industrial roll of bubble wrap?"" ""Just pop it in the corner please"" It took me 2 hours."

"I don't know what's more disturbing? My son reading a billboard that says ""LIVE NUDE GIRLS"" or him asking if there's dead ones."

"What do you call a fake record player? A phonygraph"

"Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere."

"Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower."

"Is it just me? ... or are circles pointless"

"Me: ""Aw, your baby is cute. How old?"" Woman: ""Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time?"" Me: ""Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."""

"In the past, when you were angry with someone you fought them. Now you just delete them off Facebook. That'll teach 'em to fuck with you."

"GF: ...I'm pregnant ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I've also got some pretty big news"

"18 goes into 40 more than 40 goes into 18 ( ~ )"