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Joke of the Day

"GF: ...I'm pregnant ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I've also got some pretty big news"

"I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time."

"I was at a nightclub They played just dance I just danced They played twist I twisted They played jump I jumped They played come on Eileen, I was kicked out of the club"

"What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot..... you racist bastard."

"My Brian Williams's helicopter jokes have been going great! None have been shot down so far!"

"I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays When people go to ask me ""hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"" I'll be like ""nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"""

"I've always wanted a pew in my house Because I remember how well I use to sleep on those."

"Why did the vampire miss work? He was having a coffin fit!"

"I've been eating a lot of pineapple lately, you know what that means... I have a pineapple flavored sock under my bed."

"Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month."