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Joke of the Day

"I've had to break up with my imaginary girlfriend. I've started seeing someone else."

"Why does the Vanu Sovereignty hate plastic bags? They keep Terran."

"I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft."

"We should start calling policemen Diamonds. [x-post /r/Showerthoughts] Diamonds Clubbing Spades."

"I was just told by my doctor that I have cancer and alzheimer's. At least I didn't get cancer!"

"Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women."

"Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you Me: yeah well that's just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time"

"I was going to make a joke about amplifiers but I got too much negative feedback."

"Whats big and white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A fridge."

"Why'd you order the Fish n' Chips? For the Halibut."