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Joke of the Day

"cashier at the book store told me to ""take it easy"" so I stabbed her in the neck with my keys because nobody tells me how to live my life."

"What's better than eating a mandarin? Eating Amanda out!"

"Can you put the pin back in a grenade? It's kind of urgent. Need and answer fast."

"My cat Minton just swallowed a shuttle cock. Bad Minton."

"What does a baby sound like when you put it in the microwave? Idk, I was too busy jacking off..."

"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter!"

"I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got."

"Why do hipsters prefer to drink their PBR warm? So that they can say they liked it before it was cool."

"If Hilary and Trump are stranded on a raft in the ocean, who survives? America. America survives."

"No, YOUR illiterate."