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Joke of the Day

"I'm a girl When i get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on."

"I adopted a rescue dog early this morning... But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit."

"Why can't the shepherd remember how many he had sex with? --- he keeps falling asleep when he counts them."

"If I had to describe myself in one word... It would be, ""Unable to follow instructions."""

"The bitches love me because I'm well spoken, intelligent and would never disrespect them and shit."

"Give a man an axe and he'll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he'll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius."

"When I get caught smoking in a restaurant, I pretend I'm blind and tell them the cigarette is my seeing eye dog."

"[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn't mean you can order before me"

"A Man Goes In For His Annual Check-Up With The Doctor The doctor tells him, ""You need to stop masturbating"" The Man Asks ""Why"" The Doctor Replies, ""Because I'm trying to examine you"""

"I can get most of Reddit to hate me in one sentence I'm watching Sword Art Online (my favorite anime) on my iPhone while reading a Minions fanfic on my Wii U and eating bananas dipped in ketchup"